


A Whole Other Kettle of Fish

by MagdaTheMagpie



Series: Marvel & Magic [13]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Casual Sex, F/M, Mythical Beings & Creatures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-17 20:00:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16102769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagdaTheMagpie/pseuds/MagdaTheMagpie
Summary: In retaliation for a prank, Fury sends Clint and Tony hunting for mermaids.





	A Whole Other Kettle of Fish

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Marvelously Magical Bingo 2018!   
> Square O3: Creature

“Are we being punished?” Clint asked. “Because I feel like we're being punished.”

“Nah,” Tony replied as he dropped his faceplate, his voice turning robotic as he did so. “Fury would never do that to us. We're his favourites. Well, I am. You're like the team mascot.”

“He's making us look for  _ mermaids _ .”

“Yeah, but what if we  _ find _ mermaids? Honestly, it's not so far fetched after all the shit we've seen.”

Clint's expression went glazy for a second before he shook his head.

“Wait, are we talking Disney's little mermaid here, or one of those things with all the teeth in that horror movie you made us watch last night? Thanks for that, by the way. I feel great about diving in deep, dark water right now.”

“Hey, whichever rocks your boat. I'm not judging.”

Their SHIELD pilot signed it was time to jump and Tony dived headfirst into the Atlantic. Clint wasn't as eager despite all the latest toys he'd been equipped with to go exploring the ocean. Last time he was ever pulling a prank on Fury. The punishment was really not worth the laugh. With a sigh, Clint pushed off the side of the Quinjet and braced himself for the cold water, surprised when the shock didn't come once he was immersed.

“Pretty neat, uh?” came Tony's voice through the com, loud and clear. “Took a couple of hours to upgrade the diving gear last night.”

“Did you sleep at all?”

Tony snorted, which was answer enough. One day, that man was going to keel over from either exhaustion or coffee overdose.

“So… any idea where we should look?”

“Supposedly, there's a few reports of mermaid activity in a five mile radius from here so I suppose we'll just swim about for a while until Fury feels vindicated and call it a day.”

They did just that and Clint was actually relaxing as he played around the currents while he listened to Tony muttering about how to improve the waterproofing of his suit. It was about an hour in when his awesome goggles-he-was-keeping-for-life-after-this-mission picked up some activity.

“Tony,” he hissed.

The mutterings cut off, Ironman's chest light spinning from horizontal to vertical as he scanned the area. Then he was off like a shot while Clint had to struggle to swim after him.

“Herding them towards you, Clint. Get ready to grab one.”

Clint's eyes widened when he saw pale figures with long hair streaming behind them come right at him.

“Please don't be like that horror movie,” he prayed as he made a grab for the smallest of the two.

He missed by an inch when the second one barreled into him on purpose to protect her. Not one to miss an opportunity twice, he spun around just in time to catch this one around the waist, which is when he noticed a distinct lack of fishtail.

“Hey! That's not a mermaid!” he protested.

“And yet, they're breathing underwater,” Tony argued. “Look, no diving gear or anything, and that's not flippers she's wearing.”

Clint looked down to see the weirdest feet in existence. Definitely not made for shoes.

“Huh!” was all the answer he could muster while the maybe-mermaid wriggled against him to get free.

However, Clint was an octopus-level hugger. He had arms like fucking tree trunks and nobody escaped his hugs if he didn't want them to. Unless they had a crowbar stashed somewhere like Natasha.

“Watch out!” Tony cried out as a red light bolted their way

Clint tried to swim out of the way, but he was even slower than before with a prisoner and his catch got hit instead of him. Her struggling ceased immediately as she went unnaturally still.

“Oh, fuck me sideways. My mermaid got hit.”

“I'm getting us out of here. Hang on.”

Tony grabbed him by his harness as he held on to his mermaid, shooting up into the air and straight for the Quinjet hovering nearby. The pilot looked as startled as Clint felt that they had returned with what they'd come looking for, and man was he glad they'd thought of preparing a fish tank for transport. It was just in case. They hadn't actually come to sea to kidnap a mermaid, but with an injured one on their hands, it seemed like they didn't have much of a choice.

“I don't see any wound,” Tony said as he scanned her. “Looks like she's just… sleeping? Do fish sleep?”

“Don't think it matters. She's not much of a fish, is she?’

Clint sat cross-legged in front of the tank as it headed back to the helicarrier, taking the opportunity to look at his catch. Honestly, she just looked like any woman on the beach. She even had a swimsuit on for crying out loud. But on closer inspection, her long palmed feet, her webbed hands and gills on her neck were decidedly not human.

“Could just be mutant,” Clint said.

“There was another though. From those mutants we know of, there's never two with exactly the same powers, especially when they're physically visible.

Clint hummed in agreement as he stared at her long locks swaying around her, giving an ethereal air to something already so unbelievable. A chuckle escaped him as he imagined their imminent landing.

“What’s up?” Tony asked.

“Fury is gonna flip his shit when he sees we actually found one.”

 

Fury grumbled “I can’t fucking believe this” and turned on his heels.

“Told you we were being punished,” Clint said. “What do we do now?”

“You take her down to the med bay and I'm flying my pretty face back to Manhattan to pluck the seaweed from my cracks.”

“Too much information, Tony. Why am  _ I  _ babysitting the giant goldfish?”

“Because I was only an accomplice in your little prank, so I get the lesser sentence. Have fun, birdbrain!”

Tony shot off into the sky, blasting loud music. At least he had helped him put the water tank on a cart before ditching him.

“Just you and me now, beautiful. Let's go find out what's wrong with you.”

But as he rolled through the corridors, Clint noticed his quarry was drawing too much attention and it felt wrong, as if he was exposing some monster at a carny's freak show. He stopped at the next storage room to grab a blanket and threw it over the tank before going on his merry way.

The doctor confirmed there was nothing wrong with her, except for the fishy parts of course. She was, for all intents and purposes, sleeping, and he just needed to wait for her to wake up. Not the most exciting of missions, but he did feel sort of responsible for her current state, so he sat on the ground facing his mermaid, using the bedpost to prop against. He took advantage of the downtime to dismantle his bow and finetune it. Ideal in the quiet of the medical bay. 

He glanced at the mermaid every now and then. She was even prettier under the harsh lights of the helicarrier despite all the gills and stuff. A Disney mermaid for sure, although… he'd have to check her teeth weren't like razor blades. Thanks Tony. Honestly. Nightmares for life. Ten minutes into his watch, a dull thud drew his attention back to her, then another. She was… thrashing around. Violently. Something was wrong. He called for the doc and tried to keep her from hurting herself, her head especially, which is how he noticed her gills were disappearing, leaving only smooth skin behind, and she was still breathing in water. She was… drowning. His mermaid was drowning!

“Fuck!” he groaned as he pulled her out.

She was lighter than he expected and he toppled back with her, but kept his arms tight around her so he could cushion her fall. But she was wet and cold and not breathing. He'd been too late. Going over CPR steps in his mind, he quickly laid her out on her back and gently tilted her chin up to open her airways. Still no breathing. He placed his hands, one over the other in the center of her chest and pushed, hard and fast, again and again, but not too hard, because he had literally crushed a training dummy once and that had not been a pretty sight. Then Clint readjusted the tilt of her chin and pinched her nose shut, and just real quickly checked her teeth. Standard, pearly white, non razor sharp teeth, thank God.

He sealed his lips over hers and blew air into her mouth. The chest rose. Good. Another, and then the compressions.

“Come on, come on…” he muttered.

And where the hell was the doctor? It felt like an eternity since he'd called him. It was probably just a minute, but still, a mermaid had the time to drown over here! He repeated the steps twice more, and when he had started to lose hope, she coughed up water and opened bleary eyes that stared right at him.

“Huh,” she said.

Okay. Not a bad start.

“Cold.”

Look at that! Mermaids spoke english! She started to shiver though.

“Oh, right. Cold.”

Clint pulled the blanket he had nicked in the storage room and rolled her into it before heaving her off the wet floor and into a bed, just as the doctor skidded to a halt in front of him.

“Sorry! Emergency on the deck. What's…”

“Yeah, see here. Turns out my mermaid is not a mermaid anymore. I'm sure Fury is gonna love this new twist. She drowned and now she's cold.”

The doctor gaped. Oh, he was a green one alright. He actually looked too young to be a real doctor. Clint snapped his fingers in front of his face and Doogie Howser finally got moving while his mermaid watched him warily.

When they were finally alone again, Clint approached her, grinning stupidly because her hair was one wild tangle of hair that looked more like a lion's mane than anything fish related. The way she tracked his movements were quite reminiscent of a cat too, just like Tasha. He wondered if they could hire her. She could be Aquagirl, but without all the accidentally drowning part, because that was plain embarrassing.

“Hi. I'm Clint,” he said simply and offered her his hand to shake.

She took it after a few seconds hesitation and shook it, staring wide eyed at his arms when his muscles flexed. She blushed and dropped her eyes.

“Hermione.”

Her voice was rough. Probably because of the salt water.

“So, how many days a month are you a mermaid? Or is that a full moon thing? Did the whole fishtail look go out of fashion or something? Too traditional for you youngsters?”

She laughed at his stupid jokes and he kept talking her ear off because she couldn't say much without hurting her throat. He thought maybe it was made worse by her former gills. 

Not too long after, a soft pop startled him out of his one sided conversation and he cursed himself for having left his bow in pieces on the floor. He had his backup however, and pointed the SHIELD standard-issue gun at the new threat. A petite woman in a swimming-suit, with long, pale blond hair and large blue eyes pointed a stick at him, looking angry. 

“Aren't you-”

Clint was hit by the red light before he could finish his sentence but he had been sure she was the other mermaid. When he came to, the doctor was hovering over him and his lips tingled.

“Urgh, please tell me you didn't just kiss me,” he muttered.

The doc looked affronted. Good. But his mermaid was gone. Not so good. Fury was going to chew him out, again. Walking reluctantly to the Director's office with his hands in his pockets, Clint felt a slip of paper brush against his fingers. Since he never put junk in his pockets, he stopped dead in his tracks and dug it out, unfolding it carefully.

 

_ I owe you a debt. _

_ If you're ever in dire need, _

_ Hold this coin and say my name. _

_ H. _

 

Clint inspected the coin that had been stuck to the thick piece of paper and inspected it. It seemed to be made of solid gold but wasn't from any country he knew. It actually looked like an old coin from pirate's treasure chest and hey, maybe it was! She was half-mermaid after all.

 

Fury had not wanted to speak of drowning, disappearing mermaids and those who tried mysteriously found themselves relegated to scrubbing the deck with a toothbrush, so Clint had kept the pirate's coin on him. He'd arranged for his archery glove to have a hidden pocket just for it in fact and he now considered it his lucky charm because he'd never come completely unharmed from so many missions before.

And then, several months later, a really boring mission turned into a nightmare scenario worthy of its own horror movie in which he was the star. He was fucked. Trapped in a sewer, not exactly where he excelled, with enemies that weren't quite human closing in behind. He could have hidden out in the labyrinth of tunnels for some time, until he found a way out, but the water was fast rising due to the heavy rains and he had an inkling the things behind him didn't necessarily need to breathe. His heart was pounding hard, and he thought that this time, he was done for. Water was chest high now, his com was out, he was exhausted from running and evading his pursuers, but they never seemed to tire. When he was out of arrows, he knew the situation was dire.

Dire. Talk about an understatement.

He chuckled and took out his coin. Would it really work? He was afraid to hope, but he held it with both hands in front of his face and clearly said her name.

“Hermione.”

Nothing. He let his head fall and clutched the coin in his fist, feeling stupid. He would just rest another minute and then waddle his way further down this tunnel. 

But the coin warmed in his hand and he opened it to stare at the hold token just as a loud pop echoed against the stone walls, the sound carried by the water. It was immediately followed by a shriek and a splash.

“Bloody hell!”

Clint reached for her and helped her stay above water.

“Not a mermaid today?”

“It's not a full moon. What's going on?”

“Water rising. No exit. Things hunting me.”

“Things?”

The hisses they made whenever they got close interrupted his answer.

“Things in cloaks, they're close,” he warned.

She squinted down the tunnel, then jerked back with wide eyes.

“Lethifolds! A whole nest? You, mister, really need to watch where you're stepping. Expecto Patronum!”

Blinding white light shot down the tunnel and the hisses turned to screams of agony. Clint gaped at her. Did she just kill them? All of them? With just one shot? His arrows did nothing but irritate them, and she just-

“Problem?” she asked.

Clint shook his head.

“A place you need to be?” she offered.

“Somewhere with a shower would be nice.’

“I agree. I think I need one too, now.”

Clint's eyebrows shot up. Was that an invitation? He didn't have time to clarify her meaning however because she told him to hang on tight, and suddenly, they were being pressed on all sides and jerked around space. Before he knew it, he was standing in a shower with her.

“Well… that was… efficient,” he said, keeping his tone light, but thinking  _ what the actual fuck! _ Teleportation?

“I'm all for efficiency,” she said and started to unbutton her waterlogged clothes. “And practicality.”

“O-kay?”

Clint set his bow and quiver outside the shower curtain while she dropped her coat on the tiled floor next to it with a heavy splotching sound. He followed suit, one piece of clothing for every one of hers, until she had him at a disadvantage.

“Chickening out?” she asked.

“You were a lot shyer the last time we met,” he remarked, not that he was complaining, mind, but still.

“I was not. I couldn't speak. And I may have been thinking of you… hoping you would contact me soon.”

“You were hoping I would be near death?”

“Well, I will be too soon, of cold, if you don't finish getting undressed,” she unhooked her bra and it joined the pile on the floor.

Not wanting to lose to her, he took off his boxers. Her eyes trailed down, and there was the charming blush he remembered. And he was cold, which didn't exactly show him at his best, despite his stirring interest. Her panties followed soon after, then hot water hit his back and he groaned in relief, closing his eyes to let the stream hit the top of his head. He heard her laugh and her soapy hands started rubbing circles over his skin. His shoulders, his arms, his chest, his hips, then she stepped flush against him to reach his bum, her breasts squished against him while her hands pinched his ass cheeks.

“Dear God, woman. You  _ are _ trying to kill me.”

“I'll do my best,” she promised.

Clint joined in on the fun, pushing her under the stream of steaming water first so she could warm up, then he enjoyed lathering her up, just as much as she seemed to be with him. It was fun and very arousing, intimate in a way he had never known except with Natasha. Hermione was special, and in more ways than the obvious magical, badass, monster-killer woman. He tilted her chin-up and pressed his lips to hers, glad it wasn't for CPR this time because this was much more enjoyable.

“Do you have a bed to teleport us to?” he mumbled against her lips, his lust-addled brain rather single-minded now about what it wanted.

“You know, people don't usually enjoy that mode of transportation.”

“I've known worse,” he said and lightly bit her bottom lip to let her know he was getting impatient, as if his hard-on pressing into her soft stomach wasn't enough of a clue.

She grabbed what he supposed was her magic wand and they landed all wet and still a bit soapy, on the bed covers.

“Maybe we should have dried off first,” she admitted with a nervous chuckle, but a wave of her wand later and they were dry anyway.

“That's dead useful. Can I order one on Amazon?”

“Silly,” she chided but she was grinning. “Now why don't you make yourself useful and look for a condom in that drawer.”

“What? No magic condom?” he asked but rolled away to search for one. 

She had a few other interesting items in there too.

“You really want me to use magic on your cock? You're either very brave or very foolish.”

She took the foil wrapper from him and tore it open.

“Probably both,” he admitted breathlessly as he felt the light brush of her fingers on him, slowly unrolling the condom.

“In that case I think you'll need another coin to call me the next time you're in a spot of trouble.”

“Wow, wanting seconds before I've even started. I must be even better at this than I thought.”

“We'll see about that. Now, why don't you put that smart mouth of yours to better use?”

Clint didn't need to be asked twice.


End file.
